I was a teenager when my mom lost one of her sisters to domestic violence. She was deeply hurt. She kept going on and on about ways the death would have been avoided. She made me understand that it is not normal to let anyone hit you.
I internalized all of this. It was made clear that when I eventually got married if I ever got hit by my husband, I should gather up my things and kids and give him his space. It’s a never-ending cycle – the abuse – hit and apologize or hit and blame you for provoking him to do it.
The signs were clear with physical abuse. I knew all the triggers and signs before I turned 18. The black eye, the broken bones, and visible marks on the body are just a few pointers.
However, no one told me about emotional abuse – being with someone who makes you feel like they are doing you a favor, being so dependent on a partner because you have been stripped of your sense of worth and you grovel for morsels of affection and attention they dish out when they feel like it, being made to look like the ‘nagging partner’ when all you want to do is talk and resolve little issues which may blow up in the future…
To me, the weirdest thing about emotional abuse has to be that your elastic limit keeps getting stretched. It reminds me of the boiling frog syndrome. It is difficult to understand the gaslighting, passive aggression and constantly questioning yourself. It does not happen in a day and the time over which your defenses get broken down, you find yourself thinking –
“Am I good enough?”
“How do I make this up to this person?”
“This is better than nothing.”
Craving companionship is only human. We want to love and nurture one another. But sometimes, it goes wrong, becoming detrimental to one or both parties. Instead of growing, you feel stifled and shrunken down. You begin to question your intentions and self-worth, feeling drained and constantly judging yourself harshly. Sometimes, your insecurities glare at you and you begin to project them onto other people.
IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP TOXIC ENOUGH TO LET GO?
A toxic relationship is one that makes you feel consistently bad about yourself. You may find yourself fending off subtle jabs or downright insults, dealing with deceit, and developing trust issues. This often leaves you feeling unwanted and anxious. You aim to please even at the expense of your own health. You accept the blame for everything. Funny enough, we tend to fall deeper in love when our relationships break us. If all of these sound familiar to you, it is time to let go of that relationship.
I was constantly telling myself that I am not mad or imagining things; being reduced to a mumbling mess because my doubts had been fed so often, I didn’t even know who I was anymore.
The first step is to identify which behaviors exist in your life. Toxic relationships affect your self-esteem and trigger fear, anxiety, insecurity, and even paranoia. They literally drain you, leaving you feeling helpless. When your relationship becomes hostile and loveless or dangerous, you would think they would be easy to leave, but they can be the hardest ones to walk away from.
If you are at this point, you would need a mental purge.
Pay more attention to your reactions and call out behaviors that upset you.
Too often, we know that something is wrong earlier than we would admit to ourselves. It might be a snide remark or your feelings being dismissed. It could be emotional starvation that leaves you lapping up the little shows of affection they show you. We ignore the red flags and make excuses. We know it makes us recoil and feel smaller, but instead, we choose to sweep it under the rug until there is a small heap. Resentment.
You are not your past.
Perhaps you grew up in an environment where one parent talked down on the other, or you witnessed a lot of domestic abuse when growing up. You have to remember that you don’t have to live that way because it is not normal. You do not have to accept the same abuse you saw with your parents. Start with having faith in yourself. Learn to filter these past experiences to recognize what is wrong in your relationship.
And the worst part about it all – you begin to make excuses for your abuser, telling people that they are not that bad, that you are actually in charge and you know what you are doing.
You forget who you really are, you forget you are your first priority. You have to stop ignoring your gut feeling.
Also, you shouldn’t hold on to the times when things seemed perfect in your relationship. When the bad begins to outweigh the good, you have to analyze and understand that you should let it go.
Don’t blame yourself.
Manipulation is the focus of every toxic relationship. The aggressors often thrive on your fears and weaknesses. The common taunt is telling you that you are not good enough and you don’t deserve better. This is their way of making you stay in that unhealthy relationship with them. Don’t sell yourself short.
Remove yourself from the relationship.
This could either be immediate or gradual. Smaller steps are easier to manage. It would not be easy, but you would be glad when it’s over. Take some time for yourself. Seek therapy or some sort of structured support.
Be honest with yourself. Removing yourself from a toxic relationship is only half the battle. You have to fill that vacuum with some fulfilling purposeful actions, or else you find yourself missing the relationship. You should dedicate yourself to reshaping your self-esteem from the inside out. Don’t be afraid to ask for help.
Once you’re out, set boundaries and guard them.
Closure is a myth, so don’t bother about asking why they acted the way they did. Put your toxic relationship behind you for good. Give yourself time to heal, so trying to be in another relationship is not a good idea.
The healing process has to be intense. You have to be vulnerable and define what you need to let go of. Accept the role you played in the whole ordeal. This is quite important. There would be feelings of anger and resentment, sometimes shame.
Whenever you are finally ready to date again, remember all the toxic traits that drained you and have zero tolerance for them. Be open about the whole process.
Finally, figure out your priorities in your relationship.
To get what you want, you have to be clear about what you want. Without knowing what you want you are going to have a hard time getting it. If it helps, make a list and be realistic about it. Run this list by the person you want to be with (not physically, of course) and if they don’t match up, you would clearly understand why it won’t work.
Finding someone whose priorities are almost the same as yours would make for smooth sailing in your relationship.